Embracing feminine nature.
In the past I’ve dealt with men whom were interested in me sexually but could not deal with my feminine nature. In my early twenties I was willing to compromise myself for their comfort, male egotism. Within those experiences I’ve learned how to embrace my feminine nature and not give a shit about their projected delicate male ego. This did not happen over night; of course.
During this period I had to get clear on self love, self worth. I knew I only had two options. 1. Love and accept myself.
2. Hate myself and become someone else.
Both roads seemed tempting. For a year or so I had a love affair with both of them. I began to fall In love with myself but I wasn’t completely comfortable in my skin. I needed constant validation, attention and assurance from men. On the flip side, it felt seductive to put a social mask on and get the type of men I wanted. It was a completely different world. Within the world masculinity is rewarded, for the first time In my life I allowed myself to indulge in hyper masculine privilege. The more I perpetuated the collective image of masculinity, the more I suffered. Eventually ( years later, currently) I decided to show up authentically in my life. This past year alone, my life is reflecting those internal changes.
In hindsight, I was literally getting an education on gender roles and how that can effect one’s intimate relationships, life… When I dated hyper masculine men, intimacy was a component that was missing. I felt as though I wasn’t able to emotionally connect to that person(s). Very little emotional honesty, compassion, soul communication. Hyper masculine men are taught to not engage in their emotions. Which can cause dysfunction. I have many heterosexual female, gay male friends who yearn for an alpha male; protector- provider. And become hurt in the long run when some of these men cannot be intimate with them. I’ve experienced men become disconnected/ distant when I attempted to share my feelings, or attempted to connect. These men never truly connected to them-self so how could they have the capacity to do so for me? In those moments I decided to put away the hyper masculine mask and carry on with my journey by living with an open heart and deeply connecting myself to my entire being.
I believe that a man can in fact be hyper masculine and have the capacity to be intimate. If he realizes that it can be a tool for survival. I’ll elaborate here… Because America is a capitalist country, we’re forced to be aggressive and assertive in our in-devours, dreams goals, etc. No one can achieve anything by being passive. This doesn’t mean one can’t hold compassion, love, and so on. It means that in those moments of defining your life, you do have to put your warrior mask on to make it happen. Unfortunately, the Internet age has many people believing that financial success can be handed to you in the same manner you obtain Twitter followers. Which enables people’s delusion in survival. I’m learning to be compassionate with myself with the hyper masculine mask syndrome, while being compassionate towards other men who have no choice but to place their mask on in a world where the strong only survive.
Alas, I think it’s imperative to be supportive of these men; within a dating or relational dynamic. If in fact these men are equipped to know the balance of being and doing. Or if these men are open to expansion and growth. We deserve a little tenderness. Not ridicule and harshness.