Dating A Narcissist
In the beginning you thought you met the perfect person, they were perfect in every way, catered to all of your needs and went above and beyond to demonstrate their love of affection towards you; leaving you feeling hopelessly in love and you’ve believed you’ve finally found your soul mate. This person is someone you’ve always imagined having; knowing the cosmos are finally aligning for your highest good. At first you may feel a sense of uncertainty because this is a once in a lifetime experience, this person is almost god like and you feel if you don’t hop on board you may in-fact miss this once in a lifetime romantic whirlwind opportunity. After all none of want to end up like our favorite aunt who is in her sixties, single and has three cats and gets off on romantic comedies. So against our better judgment we take a nose dive into this once in a lifetime romance. Now we’re fully in it, committed, invested and completely open and vulnerable. We don’t even care about the red flags because… Well this person is our soul mate and whatever issues, challenges arise we believe we’re fully equipped to tackle the problem at hand and because we’re truly are madly in love. Life is finally rewarding us for all the heart breaks, cheating, lying and insanity we’ve endured. Finally life is giving us good karma.
Until…. This person slowly begins to distance themselves, may start arguments and pick fights and then disappear for days on end. Giving us very little effort. This person may begin to verbally attack us for the effort we put into the relationship with them. Then they begin to INTENTIONALLY discard our boundaries, feelings and place blame on us for our character, value system. They begin to slowly chip away at our self esteem and then blame us for their actions/ non actions in the relationships. It’s around this time they begin to gas light us when we stand up for ourselves and make us believe that we’re responsible for their instability and mental dysfunction. These types of people never take accountability and they position themselves as the victim in their own game. ( Confessing to us how they’ve always been hurt by others, no one cared about them, no one ever loved them etc.) Using this bate (Because they know we are genuine and loving and highly empathetic) We actually want to see them come out of this rut we believe their in. So again, against our better judgment we ignore the red flags because by this time, we’ve reviewed our relationship with them… You may find yourself stating things such as; “Well maybe I did overact when they ignored my phone calls for three days,” “Perhaps I was being to harsh towards them for lying,” “I know this person has problems and I should be good to them and not judge them.” “Maybe I should truly help this person get out of this darkness so they can see they deserve love,” “ Maybe I don’t love myself enough because ( Fill in the blank with whatever manipulation they’ve used to make you feel confused and worthless.)
Meanwhile this person is detached from us and dangle their carrot when their in need. By this time we aren’t seeing reality as it is, in-fact we’re holding on the beginning stages of this new profound romantic whirlwind. We just simply want that person we met in the beginning back and we refuse to believe their even capable of causing so much damage within our life. We are numb to their criticism and we go on believing we’re insane and we’re the problem. What we don’t see is that this person has used techniques such as love bombing which has clouded us into believing they’re truly loving and honor a value system that is in alignment with ours.
Usually when we begin to wake up or slowly begin to see what is happening, we begin to demand better treatment, asking direct questions, addressing their dysfunction and confronting them… They detach further. This detachment only causes you to chase their dangling carrot. They do this to watch you suffer, they enjoy observing you fall down and feeling confused, using all of your life energy on them while they can care less. They further blame you for their poor behavior and toxicity. This is the stage where many people experience the discard phase. This is when all of a sudden they drop you like yesterdays hot trash. All of a sudden their in love, involved in another relationship. You may have seen it on social media, etc. Now their happy and seem like life is AMAZING without YOU. Confirming how worthless you feel about yourself. You begin to buy into the manipulation tactics used against you for you to self destruct. Meanwhile they’ve moved on and settled into their new hot romance, and you can see clearly the new partner is getting the new and improved version of your ex. They do all things you wanted, asked for. Your ex treats them like gold and you’re suffering because you can’t figure out why you weren’t enough for this person.
What you don’t realize or see is that this person is a narcissist and they’ve discarded you because you can’t serve their purpose and void anymore. This is to say; they’ve found a new victim. The reason why their new partner gets the parts of them that you didn’t is because they now have to show the world that you were the problem. These individuals tend to tarnish your name and reputation while projecting their new win. The painful part of this is everyone believes them. Because, now you’re depressed, lost your mind and feel broken. When people ask you what happened to the relationship all they can see is the broken down, sad person you’ve become and they actually empathize with your ex. They’re happy that they no longer have to deal with your instability, drama, negativity. My advice is to cut all communication with your ex and anyone whose involved in their lives. These people cannot assist you nor participate with your healing, inner transformation, new life. These people will end up becoming a road block; only delaying your progress. Mainly because they cannot see the truth of your ex ( The Narc).
If you’re a victim of a narcissist, not all is lost. Expand your mind by researching narcissism and behavioral patterns. Also, allow yourself to heal and seek help from a professional mental health psychologist. Begin to create a strong value system and healthy self esteem and work towards being completely whole. Your new task is not enter into a relationship where your integrity, sanity, value system is compromised in anyway. You don’t get into a relationship until you’ve vetted the person of interest and confirm they share similar values. You don’t get into a relationship with anyone until you’re no longer co-dependent on anyone or anything. Until you stand firm in who you are, what you truly believe and create the life you’ve always imagined for yourself, until you’ve fallen madly in love with yourself and you get clear on your standards for yourself and your overall quality of life. You then allow yourself to get involved with another person romantically because you can manage your own life and having another person has nothing to do with filling any of your insecurities, pains, traumas. You then love yourself enough to spot behavioral patterns that aren’t in alignment with your core values and because you love yourself you are willing to cut the cord.