The Jamil Echoes Blog

"The writer is an explorer. Every step is an advanced into a new land." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Divine Intervention

600_436641902

When divine intervention comes into play we don’t have control over external circumstances. The only choice in the matter that we have is our willingness to surrender to the process or resist and sabotage our evolution. Despite our efforts to attempt to control and manipulate, the heavens see to it that our lives are appointed in the direction required of the soul. UNCOMFORTABLE for our fragile selfish ego.

Expect all forms of security ( our personal world as we know it) to begin to dismantle itself without your permission. That marriage you know didn’t serve you and you were guided to leave and didn’t. Well… Now that person will get instructions to randomly, courageously leave. Often times with no logical reasoning that we find palatable. That job you hated and lost all your personal power in, and wasn’t in alignment with your core values…Will fire you, lay you off. You heard the guidance ” it’s time to leave now, your work here is done.” And you’ve provided an excuse to not be empowered. “I’ll stay for the money,” ” I can’t just quit I have a mortgage and bills to pay.” The list goes on and on. The truth is fear of change has most of us trapped living lives that doesn’t resonate with our soul. The moment we choose not to follow guidance, heaven takes over and takes action for you. However it’s not an act of punishment of course. The purpose is to guide you into deeper experiences and higher levels of your soul.

Listen, trust divine intervention and guidance. Give up the need to control, and allow transformation and empowerment be the reason you make conscious choices for you life.

P.S. Try to enjoy the ride, we’re the generation creating the new frontier for global cosmic living.

 

Advertisements

Dating A Narcissist

diseases-narcissist-personality-disorder-THS

In the beginning you thought you met the perfect person, they were perfect in every way, catered to all of your needs and went above and beyond to demonstrate their love of affection towards you; leaving you feeling hopelessly in love and you’ve believed you’ve finally found your soul mate. This person is someone you’ve always imagined having; knowing the cosmos are finally aligning for your highest good. At first you may feel a sense of uncertainty because this is a once in a lifetime experience, this person is almost god like and you feel if you don’t hop on board you may in-fact miss this once in a lifetime romantic whirlwind opportunity. After all none of want to end up like our favorite aunt who is in her sixties, single and has three cats and gets off on romantic comedies. So against our better judgment we take a nose dive into this once in a lifetime romance. Now we’re fully in it, committed, invested and completely open and vulnerable. We don’t even care about the red flags because… Well this person is our soul mate and whatever issues, challenges arise we believe we’re fully equipped to tackle the problem at hand and because we’re truly are madly in love. Life is finally rewarding us for all the heart breaks, cheating, lying and insanity we’ve endured. Finally life is giving us good karma.

Until…. This person slowly begins to distance themselves, may start arguments and pick fights and then disappear for days on end. Giving us very little effort. This person may begin to verbally attack us for the effort we put into the relationship with them. Then they begin to INTENTIONALLY discard our boundaries, feelings and place blame on us for our character, value system. They begin to slowly chip away at our self esteem and then blame us for their actions/ non actions in the relationships. It’s around this time they begin to gas light us when we stand up for ourselves and make us believe that we’re responsible for their instability and mental dysfunction. These types of people never take accountability and they position themselves as the victim in their own game. ( Confessing to us how they’ve always been hurt by others, no one cared about them, no one ever loved them etc.) Using this bate (Because they know we are genuine and loving and highly empathetic) We actually want to see them come out of this rut we believe their in. So again, against our better judgment we ignore the red flags because by this time, we’ve reviewed our relationship with them… You may find yourself stating things such as; “Well maybe I did overact when they ignored my phone calls for three days,” “Perhaps I was being to harsh towards them for lying,” “I know this person has problems and I should be good to them and not judge them.” “Maybe I should truly help this person get out of this darkness so they can see they deserve love,” “ Maybe I don’t love myself enough because ( Fill in the blank with whatever manipulation they’ve used to make you feel confused and worthless.)

Meanwhile this person is detached from us and dangle their carrot when their in need. By this time we aren’t seeing reality as it is, in-fact we’re holding on the beginning stages of this new profound romantic whirlwind. We just simply want that person we met in the beginning back and we refuse to believe their even capable of causing so much damage within our life. We are numb to their criticism and we go on believing we’re insane and we’re the problem. What we don’t see is that this person has used techniques such as love bombing which has clouded us into believing they’re truly loving and honor a value system that is in alignment with ours.

Usually when we begin to wake up or slowly begin to see what is happening, we begin to demand better treatment, asking direct questions, addressing their dysfunction and confronting them… They detach further. This detachment only causes you to chase their dangling carrot. They do this to watch you suffer, they enjoy observing you fall down and feeling confused, using all of your life energy on them while they can care less. They further blame you for their poor behavior and toxicity. This is the stage where many people experience the discard phase. This is when all of a sudden they drop you like yesterdays hot trash. All of a sudden their in love, involved in another relationship. You may have seen it on social media, etc. Now their happy and seem like life is AMAZING without YOU. Confirming how worthless you feel about yourself. You begin to buy into the manipulation tactics used against you for you to self destruct. Meanwhile they’ve moved on and settled into their new hot romance, and you can see clearly the new partner is getting the new and improved version of your ex. They do all things you wanted, asked for. Your ex treats them like gold and you’re suffering because you can’t figure out why you weren’t enough for this person.

What you don’t realize or see is that this person is a narcissist and they’ve discarded you because you can’t serve their purpose and void anymore. This is to say; they’ve found a new victim. The reason why their new partner gets the parts of them that you didn’t is because they now have to show the world that you were the problem. These individuals tend to tarnish your name and reputation while projecting their new win. The painful part of this is everyone believes them. Because, now you’re depressed, lost your mind and feel broken. When people ask you what happened to the relationship all they can see is the broken down, sad person you’ve become and they actually empathize with your ex. They’re happy that they no longer have to deal with your instability, drama, negativity. My advice is to cut all communication with your ex and anyone whose involved in their lives. These people cannot assist you nor participate with your healing, inner transformation, new life. These people will end up becoming a road block; only delaying your progress. Mainly because they cannot see the truth of your ex ( The Narc).

If you’re a victim of a narcissist, not all is lost. Expand your mind by researching narcissism and behavioral patterns. Also, allow yourself to heal and seek help from a professional mental health psychologist. Begin to create a strong value system and healthy self esteem and work towards being completely whole. Your new task is not enter into a relationship where your integrity, sanity, value system is compromised in anyway. You don’t get into a relationship until you’ve vetted the person of interest and confirm they share similar values. You don’t get into a relationship with anyone until you’re no longer co-dependent on anyone or anything. Until you stand firm in who you are, what you truly believe and create the life you’ve always imagined for yourself, until you’ve fallen madly in love with yourself and you get clear on your standards for yourself and your overall quality of life. You then allow yourself to get involved with another person romantically because you can manage your own life and having another person has nothing to do with filling any of your insecurities, pains, traumas. You then love yourself enough to spot behavioral patterns that aren’t in alignment with your core values and because you love yourself you are willing to cut the cord.

Hillary Clinton’s Defeat 

Photo taken of Clinton during concession speech. 

Earlier this week It was announced that Donald J. Trump has won the presidential election. Thereafter the announcement of Trumps victorious win, many American citizens were completely appalled with disgust and utter defeat by this unforeseen historical moment in American history; causing further displaced emotions between American citizens. 

Though, Trumps opponent Senator Hillary Clinton, has demonstrated her grace eliciting honesty and integrity as the loosing candidate. Wednesday October 9, 2016 Clinton concisely engaged her audience during her concession speech. Clinton says:
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it: These have been very, very tough days,” Clinton said. “This is a tough time for our country. I think we have seen how people have been reacting to the events of this election and I know we have got to be reaching out to each other to keep it clear in our own minds that what we did is so important. It looks like we are on the path to winning the popular vote, and that says volumes about the importance of your work and the lasting impact it will have.”

Frederick Douglas once said: “A battle lost or won is easily described, understood, and appreciated, but the moral growth of a great nation requires reflection, as well as observation, to appreciate it.” It’s undeniable that Hillary Clinton has embodied this statement, allowing her loss to comprise her all the while giving American citizens gentle human transparency and life lessons about defeat. 

Clinton has invited everyone whose devastated about the loss to restore themselves. “Take your dogs for a walk,” she said, “if you have dogs.” 

Intimacy Avoidance and How it’s destroying your relationships.

aa037041_357054504_detail-647x395

Most of us have entered into relationships (at some point in our lives) with partner who wasn’t able to emotionally connect, invest. Instead you walked away feeling dismissed and shut down by your partner. Not being able to truly understand why your partner has become detached, emotionally despondent.

“Maybe I am the problem,” You said to yourself. “Perhaps if I give this person space,” and the self talk continues. The good news is you may not be the problem after all. You aren’t asking for to much. You simply want a healthy relationship that is built on the foundation of intimacy. Perhaps you’re someone whom struggles with maintaining intimacy within your relationships because you have a strong belief that it is weak, unnecessary or because you may fear a deep connection that no longer allows you to hide behind your armor. In any event our experts have provided us with psychological evidence for this on-going problem within our western climate.

According to international sexual addiction expert, psychologist Robert Weiss; Founder Of The Sexual Recovery Institute published an article www.robertweissmsw.com that states: Being human means biologically wired to community and to bond with another ( even in short term) as both actions are integrally bound to the survival of our species. Weiss eludes that there are many among us who long for connection and deep intimacy. But also fear physical and emotional closeness in equal measure in their desire for closeness. Weiss blatantly says that these people are unable or unwilling to seek out or maintain the human intimacies that help us all self-sooth, regulate and to simply feel communion with another.

Robert Weiss states in his article that some of these folks may avoid close relationships all together. While other intimacy avoidant individuals choose to enter into relationships. These relationships usually start out fairly well, with an intense emotional attraction. Thus leading to a deeply felt but superficial connection. After a short time span the intimacy avoidant person begins to feel trapped, smothered and bored. Causing the person to focus solely on their partners short comings and begins to disengage. This person may go from one I’ll fated relationship to the next, or may avoid romantic, sexual relationships forever.

Hal Shorely Ph. D, Founder of The Freedom to change provided his own research that shows

fear of intimacy and closeness within relationships is the norm for about 17 % of adults in the western culture. Shorely states that it is in large biological reaction engrained in the structures of the central nervous system through parenting practices in childhood. Shorely describes his attachment theory: All children have a need to stay close to their parents so that they can attain protection and comfort when frightened or distressed. How the parents respond to the child in these moments has an enormous impact on their child’s developing personality. Furthermore, Parents who’ve become avoidant, distance of intimacy tend to (reject) the childrens neediness or perceived weakness. One example of such demonstrated behavior from parent to child is: Boy’s don’t cry! A common phrase that’s been ingrained in most men. Weiss suggests that these types of parents are usually intolerant of their children challenging them, or simply allowing their children to share their feelings such as agitation, hurt, fear anger- etc. This behavior demonstrated from parent to child enables the child to falsely idolize their parents. If the child were to otherwise not place rose colored glasses on, it can cause extreme anxiety.

This taught behavioral pattern often time teaches people to suppress and ignore negative emotions typically dismissing them and defaulting to their false state of being okay. Which enables the person to deny the need for closeness, and strong feelings- vulnerability is often avoided. Because this person has learned to ignore and dismiss their own emotions they often times perform to the same measure within their relationships. Leaving them “emotionally color blind,” as Hal Shorley phrased it in his psychologytoday.com article. Due to these individuals being emotionally color blind it’s beyond challenging attempting to confront, bring awareness to them in regards of our own feelings. They end up having an inaccurate perception of events because this would mean they would have to acknowledge their own negative emotions.

Hal Shorley Ph. D has concluded that there is light at the end of the tunnel though. Shorley states that these simple practices, techniques:

            1. Practice reading other peoples emotions, checking in on them.

            2. When other people express negative emotions; stand your ground and listen.

            3. Learn to label and communicate your emotions.

            4. Realize that your calm emotional and rational approach to relationship issues is likely to make people feel invalid, dismissed.

            5. Don’t place your work and career in front of your relationships.

If you happen to be in a relationship with an avoidant person here’s what you can do:

                1. Realize when the avoidant person shuts down.

                2. Remember that even though the avoidant person will deny it; they are afraid of strong and painful negative emotions.

                3. If the avoidant person needs to get away, don’t chase them it’ll only make them run faster.

                4. Realize that you need a great deal of intimacy and the avoidant person may simply not be able to provide or meet your needs.

                5. Be able to communicate ( with a soft touch) Sharing what you think he or she is feeling and why.

Weiss concludes that HELP AVAILABLE! He shares with us that, though attachment styles are established in childhood, they are not permanently locked in. With therapy and or through the process of establishing healthy, healing relationships, people with intimacy issues can develop what is known as “earned security,” overcoming their childhood pathology and learning how to establish true intimacy and lasting emotional connection.

Finding Happiness… For Real!

 

Happy Woman in Meadow

 

We’ve all read the positive quotes, and have seen captivating pictures on social media that promote happiness. Yet, The National Institute Of Mental Health ( nimhm.nih.gov) has reported in 2015 an, estimated 16.1 Million citizens within the United States whom are 18 or older suffer from depression. Which is one of the most common mental disorders in America. According to the World Health Organization ( Study conducted in 2010) states that major depression carries the heaviest burden of disability among mental and behavior disorders. Specifically, major depression accounts for: 3.7 % of all U.S. Disability within adult lives. Psychiatrist and CEO of Elements Behavioral Health and Promises Treatment centers; David Sack M.D., has suggested on ( psychologytoday.com) that there are a number possibilities for this phenomenon. He believes that one cause could be that many are addicted to unhappiness. He goes on to say that there is deep rooted insecurity or lack of self esteem which may cause people to feel undeserving of happiness. He also states that trauma, negative experiences influence people consciousness. Which means they hold the unconscious desire to return the state of unhappiness. Dr. David Sack M.D., believes the other possibilities could include individuals being fearful to feel joy since positive feelings may be a “setup” for disappointment.

Characteristics Of The Chronically Unhappy: Finding reasons to be unhappy, prefer to play the victim role. Compete with friends and colleagues, have difficulty setting and achieving goals, struggle to bounce back when things don’t go their way. Some may escape or cope by using drugs , alcohol, sex and or food- including other addictive or compulsive behaviors. Some may stop taking care of their basic needs, such as a health diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep, have dramatic, unfulfilled relationships- etc. Sack, makes it clear in his article about unhappy people that the reality is many unhappy people refuse to seek out treatment of any kind. While others have no clue what happiness really is. Goodtherapy.org states that “ Happiness is a state of generalized well bell bung associated with feelings of pleasure, joy and satisfaction. The article further elaborates that the common criteria to many definitions of happiness include: Feeling satisfied with the direction of one’s life is going, holding oneself in high regard and being forgiving of your mistakes and short comings, finding satisfaction in simple pleasures and in relationships, having several areas of fulfillment in life and also by having an optimistic disposition and tending to see the glass half full, viewing setbacks as an opportunity for growth. Marianne Williamson Author and spiritual teacher of “ A Course in Miracles” Says that “ The universe is programmed to support your happiness.” “A Return To Love” Williamson’s reflection of A Course In Miracles Believes that we’re completely responsible for our quality of life and well being. She states that: “ You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not what you think. The truth is you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level you can exercise choice. What you do comes from you think.” Williamson also claims that in her Novel, “ All About Love,” “ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be?” Williamson has openly discussed that our thoughts generate and create our lives, our lives are in fact a by-product of our happiness. In an interview conducted in 2012 with Oprah Winfrey OWN NETWORK) Williamson says that “ The universe is interested in your self actualization.” She insinuates that we all have our own curriculum, and doing the work of forgiveness, and thinking with a loving mind we being to lift our spirits and gravitate towards love. She states that when we are accountable for our thoughts by asking ourselves.

We do this by changing our perception from fear to love we then see the miracles in our lives. We then ask ourselves Who am I not forgiving?” “Who am I showing up as?” “ Who do I have a grudge against?” She goes on to say that we often block our ability to recognize miracles because our hearts are blocked, and we suffer because of it.

Eckhart Tolle; Author of “The Power Of Now, A New Earth,” States: “There are three words that convey the secret of the art of living, the secret of all of success and living. “One with Life, being one with life is being one with now. You then realize that you don’t live your life but life lives you. Life is the dancer and you are the dance.” A New Earth, Chapter Chapter 4 pg 115.

Positive psychology is a field of psychology that focuses on happiness, well being this is done by drawing upon people’s strength. Therapy, changing habits, and re framing thoughts can all help alter people to be happier. Most psychological research shows us that happiness is not dependent upon material possessions or even success. Goodtherapy.org states that Happiness seems to be the combination of personality traits such as optimism and happiness- increasing habits such as spending time with loved ones. Goodtherpay.org provides tips for cultivating happiness which include: Having a sense of purpose, Maintain healthy relationships, Live in the present moment, practice gratitude, get support when you need it.

It’s clear that there are many paths to happiness, defining our own happiness. No one shoe fits all, some have taken the road of spirituality, some take modern therapy, and others find other ways within themselves. It’s not the path that counts it’s actually taking the steps to our own happiness and allowing our self the freedom we long for. Take the first step for yourself and allow your life to unfold.

Lessons Learned

contemplar

When we reflect on our past it’s best to focus on the lessons that we’ve learned and engrained into our present waking life. It’s human nature to habitually replay the traumas in our minds. Hoping that we can find resolve, peace of mind and closure. Disappointing to only discover that we must simply accept the past for what it was, and move on. If we must focus on anything it should be the lesson that propels us forward in some way. This isn’t easy though, sometimes we so badly want a redo, we desire a second chance, we sometimes just want understanding and compassion. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve broken my own heart, time and time again trying to go back to the past to fix what was meant to remain broken. It was only my job to find peace and correct my behavior and or pathology and leave the rest to the universe. I have found that completion means the ending of a cycle and a beginning of a new cycle. Inevitably; Death is lurking on the horizon. It is terrifying embracing the new you, life is birthing. It is terrifying completely allowing the past to be put to rest and having no need to drive down that street again. To keep ourselves sane, we must find the divine lesson in everything that life offers us. For sometimes this is the only thing that bring us out of our darkness.

It is up to us to see to it that our hearts, souls make it out intact. It is up to us that we choose to love forward. Lesson learned.

Finding Your Self Worth

iloveme

After dating, endless failed relationship cycles we begin to realize that we’re responsible for our life. That includes the quality of relationships and bonds that we form. It is only when we come to this realization that we take the steps to building a healthier relationship with self. When we begin to create a healthier relationship with self, we understand we must nurture our self worth, self love, and our over all value. We’re willing to take an honest look at ourselves, this means getting radically naked. We’re willing to stand in our pain, hurt, brokenness. We’re willing to stand in our lack, fear and shame and insecurities and pathologies we hold about ourselves. This is a process of course, building a healthy relationship with our self is a life long process. There is no easy magical formula, I know we all want one but trust me… Usually those methods are like band aids and don’t get to the root. As we begin to address pathologies that no longer serve us, as we confront our fears and pains and stand in all of it… We begin to take ownership of our selves. Step by step we shed layers of trauma, self doubt, etc. Step by step we begin to make choices in our life that reflect the work we’re doing for our self. We then understand that know person or external circumstance can fill or heal any voids or lack that we have. This means, we understand that no person is responsible for our happiness and it’s our mission and job to see to it that our needs are getting met. And if we so choose to enter a relationship, we will only allow someone into our space that honors, supports and adds value to the love we have our self and our life. We no longer are attracted to BOO BOO THE FOO! We’re no longer attracted to dysfunction and mediocrity. We’re no longer attracted to people, or anything external that doesn’t match our internal foundation of self worth. Finding and building our self worth means that we will not betray our self under any circumstances.

You can read all the books about how to get and keep a man, you can read all the books on seduction and how to do this and that… But the truth is simple. You must love, honor yourself above anything else. When you find and honor the value in yourself, you understand that the only person you can control is yourself. The only life you can live for is yours. You realize that, you’re worthy of the love you desire because you’ve given it to yourself. Take the first step and the rest of you will follow. Be gentle, compassionate with yourself,

After all you deserve it.